Advice Wanted
I am at a loss on the best way to handle questions about Sophie's journey to us. Most questions are harmless.
But then there are the others.....the ones trashing birth parents in China for not keeping their children. Accusations of " how could they!" "I wouldn't even do that to my dog!" "What is wrong with those people!?" (For the record when someone, and lets be honest it is usually a stranger or an acquaintance, I usually become a little offensive in my rebuttal. Usually I just say...."well in the U.S. people abort unwanted children every day, I like to think that Sophie's birth parents chose life for her.....") Sometimes that works....but it is not something I would want Sophie to hear. I need something better. Something kinder, but to the point. I am not about to educate everyone about China's one child policy. I guess I could try the "Why do you ask?" But they really aren't asking me at this point they sharing their "opinion" about China.
I feel like I have to defend Sophie's birthparents. I honestly believe they chose to hope for a better life for her. Her SN would have likely gone unrepaired. I believe that her birth parents hoped that by leaving her to be brought to the SWI that she may have surgery in China or be adopted.
Share your wisdom with me....
But then there are the others.....the ones trashing birth parents in China for not keeping their children. Accusations of " how could they!" "I wouldn't even do that to my dog!" "What is wrong with those people!?" (For the record when someone, and lets be honest it is usually a stranger or an acquaintance, I usually become a little offensive in my rebuttal. Usually I just say...."well in the U.S. people abort unwanted children every day, I like to think that Sophie's birth parents chose life for her.....") Sometimes that works....but it is not something I would want Sophie to hear. I need something better. Something kinder, but to the point. I am not about to educate everyone about China's one child policy. I guess I could try the "Why do you ask?" But they really aren't asking me at this point they sharing their "opinion" about China.
I feel like I have to defend Sophie's birthparents. I honestly believe they chose to hope for a better life for her. Her SN would have likely gone unrepaired. I believe that her birth parents hoped that by leaving her to be brought to the SWI that she may have surgery in China or be adopted.
Share your wisdom with me....
posted by TBG Happenings at 9:59 PM
8 Comments:
I did get a comment like that once, from an old guy in a service station.
I said something to the tune of, "I try not to pass judgement (like that) on other people - it serves no purpose."
Thankfully now that Mali's a bit older people seem more apt to keep their comments to themselves.
I like Alison's comment; must keep that one in mind.
I try to explain that it is my belief that, as a parent, you must always put the child first. My daughter's birth mother did just that. Knowing she was unable to provide what her daughter needed she made an adoption plan for her. She acted like a parent. She made a decision, which I cannot even comprehend having the strength to make. She did what was in her daughter's best interests. That is why, to me, she earned the title 'mother'. She will always be Hannah's first mother.
I don't have any personal experience yet but one thing I was taught was to say that her parents made an adoption plan for her. It's not like it was a decision they made easily. It was very difficult. They made a plan and executed it to the best of their ability.
Not sure if this helps when ya just wanna bop someone in the nose though for being so insensetive!!
If it's strangers/acquaintances, I try to quickly diffuse it by saying something like "We will never know exactly why Lillie's birth parents made the choice they did" in "that" tone of voice that ends the conversation by showing a complete lack of interest in further discussion. It usually works.
With others, I quickly turn to the positives and talk about how much Lillie was loved by her foster family and how well cared for she was to try to show that the majority of people in China go out of their way to care for these children, without ever answering the direct question.
Maryellen, I'm so glad you brought this up. I too have been asked this question or have had people make comments to me about "how horrible it is what the Chinese do to their children". I too would like to believe that Maddy's birthparents hoped for a better future for her by leaving her at the gates of the orphanage. She was almost 2 months old so I know that somebody somewhere definitely tried to care for her. However, she was sick, probably turning blue a lot from her heart condition and she had pneumonia. I can only imagine the grief they went through. I personally don't think I should have to explain this everytime someone wants to bash China.
I'm going to be checking back in to see what others have to say about this because I need a good comeback as well!!!
I don't have much on this one as yet....but like hearing what others have to say about it. I like Alison's!
Alison...such a great diplomat. I'd vote for her if she were running for prez, hands down, in a heartbeat.
Marking that one for the books.
I usually give an answer to the effect of us in the US not knowing what the women in China are faced with. I think b/c Annslee was found at almost 3 months old (by their estimation) that she was cared for and possibly they were looking for someone else in the family to take her. However, I do know the truth is that most people in China know nothing about international adoption so I don't know about making an adoption plan as they probably didn't do that (at least not in the remote area my child is from) They did put her on the steps of the SWI to be found quickly, they did keep her safe and made a decision that did bring her to me and for that I am grateful.
Once when Annslee was about 2 someone said "I don't know why they hate their girls in China" To that I looked disgusted and said "did you really just say that in front of my daughter? You should be ashamed" They walked off.
Honestly, like Alison said, now that Annslee is older people generally keep their mouths shut so that is a plus.
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